All these primary impulses, not easily described in words, are the springs of man's actions.
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
After years or research Helen Fisher, the anthropologist not the designer, determined that "Romantic love is a primary motivation system, a fundamental mating drive".
Let's face it, we have a difficult time accepting the instinctual part of love. We put huge meaning to the initial, highly charged, sexual stage the moment we fall in love with our "soul mate". Though I am not saying that soul mates can't exist, I'm saying we can't really distinguish much at this stage, the intensity is biologically driven just like any animal. It's purpose is reproduction. We require a great feeling, a powerful urge, intense chemical production that can cause us drop everything, interests, healthy rituals, best friends and focus on sex and reproduction (Obviously, the advent of birth control put a slight wrench in the selection process-that's a discussion for another blog). So for those of you who have continued to read this, I can tell you that when we get less "turned on" by each other, after several years of heavenly bliss or following the birth of a child, it does not mean that your relationship is flawed, it does not mean you have fallen out of love. And when you feel aroused by a work colleague, it doesn't mean your marriage is bad. Once we understand this truth, we can more intelligently (which makes us slightly more rational than most animals) we can move forward and develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
Unfortunately, as soon as this starts, couples begin to slide down that muddy, slippery slope, mounting attack after attack in the bedroom. "What is wrong with you? You're so cold? You used to be into sex. You must not love me." "I'm not good enough, I can't arouse my partner anymore, she must be having an affair." "I know I can feel aroused by others, my partner could care less, s/he isn't really interested so why not find someone else." (this is the "G" rated version ) The many hurtful words, damaging thoughts, and misguided beliefs infiltrate the relationship. So difficult to repair.
THIS IS NORMAL, you aren't broken. These damaging words, misguided beliefs and generally painful moments often lead to divorce, affairs, family's breaking apart, hardship for spouses and children and inner damage from blame, shame game.
Look, what ever gave you the idea that your childhood fantasy of what a relationship was like, can actually exist? That your soul mate would always create the same powerful feeling "forever after?" And that love would be so powerful that it would be easy most of the time? Our expectations about relationships, our lack of understanding about the stages of love, especially biologically, cause all of us to make decisions that are based on a concept with no basis of truth, expectations without any chance of being fulfilled.
Society creates rules that are difficult to follow. Not because we are sinners, not because we're stupid; in this case we are in conflict between the social norms and our biological urges generated by the PARASYMPATHETIC SYSTEM.
So, to get back to the point, We are controlled by our instincts often without any control, this attraction leading to intense sexual arousal that we mistakenly call "LOVE" I'm going to call it "Instinctlove, prelove, pseudolove". This pseudolove is easy, hardly takes any work, it's a natural high, a sense of connection with ease and lust. But once the biological, pseudolove diminishes, the work of love begins in the stage that I'll call long term relationship love, deeper love, best friend, co parent love, "truelove." "Truelove" is a love that makes us different than most animals, the ability to use our knowledge, knowledge of past geniuses, knowledge found on the Google search engine to learn how to develop a deeper more difficult type of love. This love is work, this love is filled with ups and downs, this love waxes and wanes, this love can last forever.
"When two people are first together, their hearts are on fire and their passion is very great. After a while, the fire cools and that's how it stays. They continue to love each other, but it's in a different way-warm and dependable "(Shostak, 1981,p.268) Romantic love can be sustained in a long-term relationship, but it generally becomes less intense(Traupmann and Hatfield, 1981;Wallerstein and Blakeslee, 1995)/ And the most characteristic impermanence of early-stage, intense romantic love is most likely an adaptive mechanism.
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