WHEN IS IT TIME TO START COUNSELING? HOW DO I FIND A THERAPIST? WHAT ARE MY CHOICES

If your asking these questions my guess is, therapy/counseling is in your future,  but I know  the task seems daunting.  You don't know how to start, who to trust, and what is what and besides, you aren't really keen on asking other people to help you with your problems.    I will dedicate the next several blog posts to help you figure all this out and will gladly answer your questions which you can post on this blog or write me directly at: andreamparsons@gmail.com.  Though I may use your questions as a blog discussion your identity will remain confidential.  I am a Licensed Psychotherapist in the state of New Hampshire and have been practicing individual therapy for over 25 years and have been working with couples for over 15 years specializing in dealing with intimacy struggles..  If I don't know the answer I will help you find it.  So let's start with an overview and then I will get down to the specifics in following blogs.  Good luck and you're off to a good start.

I've been providing therapy for many years now, been to therapy, have friends that go but I forget that not everyone has a working knowledge about it and many of you  don't know how to find someone, what makes for good therapy  and how to judge whether a particular therapist is right for you.  Starting with a therapist can be difficult.  But the sooner you start therapy/counseling, the better.  Don't wait until you can hardly get out of bed in the morning or you've had a huge fight with your partner and  been told that it's over.

The other day I had the unfortunate experience of getting my car stuck in the muddy edge of my driveway.  Had I  gotten some help right away I might have had an easier  time getting  myself out of the slight rut.  But because I was sure I could do it myself and thought I didn't need anyone, bother anyone, I became more and more committed to the task with each press of the gas pedal, spinning back and forth digging myself in deeper and deeper. What could have been a simple task was turning into a bigger and more costly problem.  I was being stubborn, strong I thought,, overly  confident, sure of myself and  minimizing the extent of the problem.  What a mess I made.  Come on, we've all been there, a little problem turned into a huge one simply by trying to fix it.

Why do we wait until the problem is humongous and so much harder to deal with?

• We are hoping that the problem will go away on it's own.
• We determine that our our partner is just frustrated and will be fine tomorrow.
• We think we have solved the problem, through discussions, or a slight change in ourselves, and we hope it makes a difference.
• We believe that therapy is for weak people, I can solve my own problems.
• We procrastinate. It's not easy starting something new.
• We don't have enough time to devote to it.  My life is too hectic.
• We don't believe our partner when s/he says that they "can't take it anymore." We minimize and say, "Oh,  S/he is just complaining. We're good."
• We don't know where to start. We don't know what kind of therapist we need.  We don't want to look up someone on the Internet we don't know. It's weird talking to a stranger.
• What happens if they tell me I should/n't leave my partner?
• What if they tell me that I am crazy? 
• My family doesn't " believe in therapy."

And  on and on........................................................

until we are deeper in a rut, with mud all over our back window,  pounding the steering wheel ready to break down, wondering, " what the hell to do now?".

Therapy can help anyone sort through their thoughts and feelings to develop insight, increase self awareness  and to live a more purposeful life.  We can all use another set of ears and eyes  to help us look at our ideas, show us a different perspective and help us find other solutions and  help us get back on a good path.  We can all use a "life adviser."   But what is up with all the different kinds, titles and degrees?

There are many types of therapists and it's hard for people to keep them straight.  There are   Psychiatrists, Social Workers, Psychologists,  Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners, Master level clinicians, Mental Health Counselors, Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Therapists, Drug and Alcohol Counselors, Counselors, Therapists, Life Coaches, and it's hard to know who is what.  I'm going to help you keep them straight and hopefully make it more manageable.

The best place to start is by word of mouth. Ask family and friends for names. If you're a little uncomfortable asking just say,  "I have a friend who is having a problem with _______ do you know any good therapists?"  You'll be surprised how many people have been to therapy and will give you names of good ones and ones to avoid.  .Going to a reputable website to get names of therapists is becoming a good way to find someone.  Most sites let you narrow down your search to find those clinicians who work primarily with issues you're struggling with.  The Psychology Today Website   helps you find someone close by, pick the issues you want to deal with, choose gender or sexual orientation, religious preference, type of therapy.  You can see a photo, get the website, read a blurb by the therapist and sometimes you can shoot an email to ask questions.  All I can tell you is the therapists on this site are good.  I'm not saying I know them all and that they are all great, I'm saying I see the names of colleagues with good reputations who have been practicing as long as I have and if you spend time sorting through the list you can find a top notch therapist.      Look for reviews on a therapist,  find out about a therapist but be aware that a good therapist might have a bad review and a bad therapist might have a good review  I have noticed, as I check this out, that  therapists don't have tons of reviews written by their clients.  Though the reviews allow confidentiality, it is frowned upon to ask clients to review us.  And because it is a relationship after all, the idea of reviewing might be difficult.  I love getting reviews, even if they have a suggestion or two, it gives me the opportunity to fix a problem and  it helps potential clients decide if I might be a good choice for them.  I am slightly ahead of the technology curve and I might not agree that reviews are a bad way to go, but in general, around New England anyway, it is difficult to get lots of information from reviews.   I  encourage you to chose an experienced clinician,  find someone who has years (10 or more) of experience and has had time to really  hone their skills.

Once you get a few names, take time to  talk with them all on the phone and  narrow your choice to 2 or 3 and then make appointments with who you liked best.  At the appointment let them know you have appointments with one or two more and that your trying to figure out who is a better fit for you.  Be sure to  ask questions, share some of your struggles and ask whether they have worked with those issues before.  Ask what they did, how long did therapy last when dealing with those types of issues, what training they have received and remember that you need to feel like you connect with this person and that they have something to offer you.

(Next blog will address why Therapists are so bad getting back to you on the telephone)

There are many different styles and some people have a preference for one over the other.  Some clinicians are less active, some ask lots of questions, some less, some share their knowledge others don't.  Some therapists practice techniques that others don't. For instance if you want someone who gives  "homework" in order to help you change a behavior,  you might need to find a therapist who has Behavioral Therapy training.  They focus changing behaviors that cause us problems.   Cognitive therapists will focus on your thinking and help you understand how your thinking and views affect your choices.  Psychodynamic clinicians will spend more time exploring your past and help you develop insight and deeper understanding which can lead to change.  Many of us are proficient with several different techniques. These therapists  find value in and eclectic approach. For sure I will go into this part deeper in the next few blogs. What I know for sure is if your idea of a therapist comes for TV show or movies, then you might not have a realistic view of what therapists are really like.

But a good therapist will help you  figure out what you need and if they can't help they will refer you to someone who can.

I hope to continue this dialogue, answer your questions and make counseling/therapy a resource for everyone.
©AndreaParsons