How Do We Spice Up Our Sex Life?

For all of you who have asked me, here it is:

First, it is important that you do this together with your partner.  If your partner isn't interested then it may be time to start couples counseling.  I'm going to discuss things that have worked for my clients, some speed bumps that might crop up and pot holes to avoid.

Start with an honest but loving discussion about your present sexual experience.  How much "learning" did either one of you have  prior to and during  the relationship?  Many young couples and couples who may have met when young but have been together for a long time, have  limited experiences  and may be engaging in "teenage" sex;  little foreplay, go right to orgasm and roll over to sleep.  This may have been fun when you were young, but it isn't a mature sexual relationship.  You both need to do some reading, watching and talking about  your turn ons and turn offs.  This means that it is time do develop a healthy relationship with your own body, and a healthy attitude about sex.

Many people in the US and other sexually repressed countries, develop negative attitudes about sexuality, esp. self-pleasuring, being sexy, liking sex, etc....  It helps to talk about this with your partner.  What were your parents' beliefs, religious beliefs, negative and positive experiences and messages.  This can be difficult and might be better to do it with a therapist who is trained in sex therapy.  Many therapists are as uncomfortable as you are about these discussions.

As you can see, starting a general discussion about sex, can delve into a load of other conversations.  So once you have agreed to have a judgment  free, understanding, loving sexual relationship you are ready to explore a variety of activities that can enhance your sexual connection.

Sex can be a way to connect, relax, de-stress, have fun; connect with your inner sex cat/kitten.


PROCEED WITH CAUTION

This discussion requires opening up and trusting enough  to be vulnerable with your partner.  Making fun of the ideas, putting them down, laughing, sharing with friends during a party may shut down any fun you were likely to have.  Mature sex requires mature lovers, respect, kindness and compassion.

Couples who enhance their sexual connection develop their own ways to talk about sex, respecting each other's comfort level is pivotal.  Many share their  fantasies.  As an example, I have had couples start discussions about "swinging."  The discussion was stimulating enough to create sexual arousal and sexual desire. Often the discussions and the fantasies created are enough to  spice up a sexual  relationship..  Another  couples shared  their fantasy places that would be dangerous but fun to have sex in, including an aspect of getting caught and needing to be quiet.  They began to have sex in several of the places that they fantasized about.  Other couples have gone to "Adult" book stores or parties and bought sex toys to make sex more playful.  They have bought  sexually graphic CD's, books, magazines that help stimulate sexual desire and arousal.  There are many CD's out there made to teach couples how to improve their sexual relationships including discussions by sex therapists as well as real clients.  These are sexually graphic and can help couples feel freer to explore new sexual behaviors.  Some couples go together to strip clubs which can create sexual freedom, arousal  and fantasy.  Make sure the strip club is a reputable one. 

Go out together, get away from the same ole,  same ole.  Take an overnight together so you can dress up, let your hair down and help you get in touch with your inner sex god/dess.  Staying home all the time,  Watching CSI, washing dishes, doing laundry, dealing with kids, hearing the phone ring, cleaning the toilets are not typically turn on's for us and in fact they can make you so tired, cause you to feel like a parent not a lover and  sex feels foreign.  Get away, go dancing, walk in the moonlight and hold hands, live out some of your fantasies.

To sum up:
1.  Do it together
2.  Learn about your partner. Share about yourself
3.  Discuss turn ons and turn offs.  Avoid engaging with your lover's  turn offs.  Don't try and convince your partner to like a turn off.
4.  Then start to discuss fantasies.  Use fantasy as a turn on.  Develop other turn on's.  Books, movies, pictures, role play.  Go out, go out go out......... Take it as far as you are comfortable, but slightly outside your norm.
5.  Proceed slowly and with caution, and if necessary find a therapist who can help you explore this without doing damage.
6.  Do not make fun of each other, don't share these intimate experiences with drunk friends at dinner,  by no means hurt each other.

This is a quick discussion and not in itself the answer for all people.  These are ideas, some suggestions and direction.  Please get help if you are unsure, afraid, in a high conflict relationship, and/or anything other than a respectful, loving relationship.  I'd love to hear others discuss what has worked for them.  I hope you can do it anonymously and if you can't let me know how to make that happen .