Today a client was struggling with a decision whether to stick with a relationship of 15 years, now living apart and only getting together once in awhile. Even though her partner seemed aloof, uninvolved and in her mind uninterested in her, he was satisfied with things enough. He was not initiating intimacy, they like the intellectual discussions, they are good friends and share lots of interests. But she wants someone who asserts his love toward her in a way that she can feel loved. That isn't him. And chances are it will never be. So why has it been so difficult for her to decide to "move on?"
She started the our meeting today saying, "I'm ready to move on." She looked sincere and sure of herself. If she could believe that he didn't love her and that was the reason he was so uninterested, she could leave him. But when she was reminded that he might have been happy with the relationship the way it was , she began to question her decision to move on. Would it really be enough for her to stay with him just because he loved her? How long would it take for that not to be enough? And why was she having such a hard time making her decision based on her needs? She needed someone to show her more interest, someone less in his own world.
Remember when we were in Jr. High ( OK for those who went to Middle School you may not have any experiences that relate to this story) and at the school dance. The girls sat on chairs that were placed around the walls of the gym while the boys milled around on the dance floor pushing and acting too cool to dance. Being the girl, you began to feel fearful that no one would ask you to dance. Embarrassed, you might start to talk with a girl friend, hoping that the cute guy with the cords would notice you looking at him. You might look at him again, giggle , then look away hoping he would notice that you wanted to dance with him. A few boys would begin to walk over and ask girls to dance and you began to get more worried fearing you were not going to be the only girl sitting on the sidelines. A guy would make his way over, not "the one" but you still hoped he came over to ask you to dance, and when he did, you were so thankful and enamored by the boy who asked you. He wasn't the one but it didn't matter who you wanted anymore, it mattered that this boy wanted to dance with you.
Is it any wonder why women often stick with the guy who asks her, we learned early on to put our needs and desires aside. Though many things have changed, women still wait in hope for the man to finally come around to be who they want them to be, "maybe they'll change if....." Even on Internet dating sites they may not do the shopping but rather wait for whomever contacts them.
So I think that my client may be hoping her guy will ask her to dance, so she keeps on the sidelines. Maybe she feels good that someone wants her even if he isn't the right one for her. And maybe that is enough. Or maybe she wants a partner who can express his love in a way that she feels loved at least some of the time. Does she keep waiting or does she say, "I've waited long enough and I have to either accept him and be at peace with that or I need to find someone who will be more expressive and loving toward me." No wonder we struggle with our love relationships.
Relationships are a challenge, we never get everything that we want, some things we should learn to accept and other things we shouldn't accept. We also grow, develop our own ways to get needs met, our needs change and relationships change too. There is no answer though we wish there were, no way of knowing what could happen, in the moment we feel this or want that. I wish I had the answer.
Great post, as always Andrea. (It's your old tennis buddy, Scott here, btw.) I especially liked the comparison to the high school dance scenario with the thoughts of the girls. As a guy, I was on the other side of that of course. There was aways the girl you really wanted to ask to dance, but you were filled with fears of inadequacy and rejection. "Why would she dance with me? I'm nothing special. I'm not a jock or uber-cool. I'm just a regular guy. And I can see she really wants to be asked by Johnny Cool. So if I ask, she'll say no and I'll look like an idiot and people will laugh at me. Maybe it's just better to not ask." And on and on.
ReplyDeleteHow many missed connections? I remember coming with the technique of approaching a girl slowly and looking into her eyes to gage her reaction. If she deliberately avoiding looking at you, or frowned and looked away, you moved on and pretended you had no interest in her anyway. If she looked up and smiled then you were good to go.
I often think of these things in terms of nature's response going way back. The better looking you are, bigger, stronger, faster, the better provider you would be and more fertile better gene's for the pool. The pretty the girl, the more likely she would get the hunky guy - natures way of insuring that the best specimins continue on. I found comfort in realizing it was not necessarily my but hundreds of thousands of years of nature working against me.
Of course there is someone for everyone (probably many more) and eventually you do find someone attacted to you that you are attracted to as well. But what are the odds that you have the mutual commonalities to continue this into the future. You never really know someone until you've spent a good amount of time with them. We all change over time and our needs, wants and desires change as well, and not at the same speed or rate as our loved one. So when is it enough? How do you know when to settle for good enough or look for the greener pasture? We all want that movie-perfect passionate, sweaty-palm, love at first sight feeling every time we see our mate. But how many get that? That has to be like winning the lottery. But in some ways, I think that can also be dangerous. If the feeling goes both ways and stays that way then you have truly hit the jackpot. But if it's only in one direction then you end up with unhappiness and in many cases tragedy as you end up with the scenario of the person that cannot live without the other and resorts to suicide, murder, or both. Too much emotion can be a bad thing if it is not balanced.
I used to think the whole arranged marriage thing was just crazy. Now though, I have begun to see the genius in it! My daughter is looking for a mate based solely on looks - that 'spark' as she calls it - and then hoping beyond hope that along with that comes a man that can give her all she needs forever while maintaining that spark. But I'm 50 and I've been married for 28 years and with the same woman for 32. I know that finding that spark, and maintaining forever is at the very best, a whole of hard work, communication, and a little too much just plain good luck.
I have been lucky. My wife is the same girl I married. We've certainly slowed down some and the passions of youth have given way to the comfort and familiarity of middle age. But there is enough spark, combined with a great amount of respect and loyalty to make the relationship work. And neither of us have the energy to go back out and start over anyway.
Well, I might suggest that the girl is not just sitting on the sidelines waiting for anyone to ask her to dance, because she is so insecure. I would suggest that perhaps she had 13 years in a relationship that really did work - the couple was compatible in so many ways - sexually, athletically, intellectually, socially, etc.
ReplyDeleteThen something changed in him, and he was no longer attracted to her. Does that mean the end of the relationship? With so many divorces in our society, I think that it is important to be patient and see if perhaps..... this is a mid-life crisis or a very large bump in the road, that may be overcome.
I have seen so many couples break up so quickly when the going gets rough. There is no time for things to change for the better, as the divorce papers are already filed and lines are being drawn.
I am the woman, having known that she was with a very good and compatible companion - who wasn't willing to just move on. After a full year of separation, it is now time. But I feel good that I gave the relationship patience and an opportunity to become fruitful again.
But, it does take two, and if one partner is not willing to come back together, then the other needs to let go..... but not without giving a wonderful relationship a chance to rekindle.
I do realize, though, that the waiting can deteriorate from patience to co-dependence. By then, it is certainly time to move on. So, although I may not have moved on soon enough - I feel satisfied that I did not move on too soon. If a relationship was worth investing in for 13 years, then surely another year of effort is not wasted.
I now can leave the relationship without remorse or hatred for my partner. That is much more than I can say for so many of the recently divorced couples that I know. To divorce conscientiously takes time.... but my hope is that it leaves the heart free.
There is no black and white answer is there. No easy way to know what is right and wrong. You have to trust your inner knowing. Often the answer becomes clearer but ending a long term relationship isn't easy for most people. And for sure you can not make a relationship work all by yourself. You probably have tried that, and you feel all alone. A good relationship means feeling a sense of contentment. You are not content but you also sound like you know your partner isn't going to change and be who you want. And you are not blaming him for that. But you may have needs he can't meet.
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