WHEN IS IT TIME TO START COUNSELING? HOW DO I FIND A THERAPIST? WHAT ARE MY CHOICES

If your asking these questions my guess is, therapy/counseling is in your future,  but I know  the task seems daunting.  You don't know how to start, who to trust, and what is what and besides, you aren't really keen on asking other people to help you with your problems.    I will dedicate the next several blog posts to help you figure all this out and will gladly answer your questions which you can post on this blog or write me directly at: andreamparsons@gmail.com.  Though I may use your questions as a blog discussion your identity will remain confidential.  I am a Licensed Psychotherapist in the state of New Hampshire and have been practicing individual therapy for over 25 years and have been working with couples for over 15 years specializing in dealing with intimacy struggles..  If I don't know the answer I will help you find it.  So let's start with an overview and then I will get down to the specifics in following blogs.  Good luck and you're off to a good start.

I've been providing therapy for many years now, been to therapy, have friends that go but I forget that not everyone has a working knowledge about it and many of you  don't know how to find someone, what makes for good therapy  and how to judge whether a particular therapist is right for you.  Starting with a therapist can be difficult.  But the sooner you start therapy/counseling, the better.  Don't wait until you can hardly get out of bed in the morning or you've had a huge fight with your partner and  been told that it's over.

The other day I had the unfortunate experience of getting my car stuck in the muddy edge of my driveway.  Had I  gotten some help right away I might have had an easier  time getting  myself out of the slight rut.  But because I was sure I could do it myself and thought I didn't need anyone, bother anyone, I became more and more committed to the task with each press of the gas pedal, spinning back and forth digging myself in deeper and deeper. What could have been a simple task was turning into a bigger and more costly problem.  I was being stubborn, strong I thought,, overly  confident, sure of myself and  minimizing the extent of the problem.  What a mess I made.  Come on, we've all been there, a little problem turned into a huge one simply by trying to fix it.

Why do we wait until the problem is humongous and so much harder to deal with?

• We are hoping that the problem will go away on it's own.
• We determine that our our partner is just frustrated and will be fine tomorrow.
• We think we have solved the problem, through discussions, or a slight change in ourselves, and we hope it makes a difference.
• We believe that therapy is for weak people, I can solve my own problems.
• We procrastinate. It's not easy starting something new.
• We don't have enough time to devote to it.  My life is too hectic.
• We don't believe our partner when s/he says that they "can't take it anymore." We minimize and say, "Oh,  S/he is just complaining. We're good."
• We don't know where to start. We don't know what kind of therapist we need.  We don't want to look up someone on the Internet we don't know. It's weird talking to a stranger.
• What happens if they tell me I should/n't leave my partner?
• What if they tell me that I am crazy? 
• My family doesn't " believe in therapy."

And  on and on........................................................

until we are deeper in a rut, with mud all over our back window,  pounding the steering wheel ready to break down, wondering, " what the hell to do now?".

Therapy can help anyone sort through their thoughts and feelings to develop insight, increase self awareness  and to live a more purposeful life.  We can all use another set of ears and eyes  to help us look at our ideas, show us a different perspective and help us find other solutions and  help us get back on a good path.  We can all use a "life adviser."   But what is up with all the different kinds, titles and degrees?

There are many types of therapists and it's hard for people to keep them straight.  There are   Psychiatrists, Social Workers, Psychologists,  Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners, Master level clinicians, Mental Health Counselors, Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Therapists, Drug and Alcohol Counselors, Counselors, Therapists, Life Coaches, and it's hard to know who is what.  I'm going to help you keep them straight and hopefully make it more manageable.

The best place to start is by word of mouth. Ask family and friends for names. If you're a little uncomfortable asking just say,  "I have a friend who is having a problem with _______ do you know any good therapists?"  You'll be surprised how many people have been to therapy and will give you names of good ones and ones to avoid.  .Going to a reputable website to get names of therapists is becoming a good way to find someone.  Most sites let you narrow down your search to find those clinicians who work primarily with issues you're struggling with.  The Psychology Today Website   helps you find someone close by, pick the issues you want to deal with, choose gender or sexual orientation, religious preference, type of therapy.  You can see a photo, get the website, read a blurb by the therapist and sometimes you can shoot an email to ask questions.  All I can tell you is the therapists on this site are good.  I'm not saying I know them all and that they are all great, I'm saying I see the names of colleagues with good reputations who have been practicing as long as I have and if you spend time sorting through the list you can find a top notch therapist.      Look for reviews on a therapist,  find out about a therapist but be aware that a good therapist might have a bad review and a bad therapist might have a good review  I have noticed, as I check this out, that  therapists don't have tons of reviews written by their clients.  Though the reviews allow confidentiality, it is frowned upon to ask clients to review us.  And because it is a relationship after all, the idea of reviewing might be difficult.  I love getting reviews, even if they have a suggestion or two, it gives me the opportunity to fix a problem and  it helps potential clients decide if I might be a good choice for them.  I am slightly ahead of the technology curve and I might not agree that reviews are a bad way to go, but in general, around New England anyway, it is difficult to get lots of information from reviews.   I  encourage you to chose an experienced clinician,  find someone who has years (10 or more) of experience and has had time to really  hone their skills.

Once you get a few names, take time to  talk with them all on the phone and  narrow your choice to 2 or 3 and then make appointments with who you liked best.  At the appointment let them know you have appointments with one or two more and that your trying to figure out who is a better fit for you.  Be sure to  ask questions, share some of your struggles and ask whether they have worked with those issues before.  Ask what they did, how long did therapy last when dealing with those types of issues, what training they have received and remember that you need to feel like you connect with this person and that they have something to offer you.

(Next blog will address why Therapists are so bad getting back to you on the telephone)

There are many different styles and some people have a preference for one over the other.  Some clinicians are less active, some ask lots of questions, some less, some share their knowledge others don't.  Some therapists practice techniques that others don't. For instance if you want someone who gives  "homework" in order to help you change a behavior,  you might need to find a therapist who has Behavioral Therapy training.  They focus changing behaviors that cause us problems.   Cognitive therapists will focus on your thinking and help you understand how your thinking and views affect your choices.  Psychodynamic clinicians will spend more time exploring your past and help you develop insight and deeper understanding which can lead to change.  Many of us are proficient with several different techniques. These therapists  find value in and eclectic approach. For sure I will go into this part deeper in the next few blogs. What I know for sure is if your idea of a therapist comes for TV show or movies, then you might not have a realistic view of what therapists are really like.

But a good therapist will help you  figure out what you need and if they can't help they will refer you to someone who can.

I hope to continue this dialogue, answer your questions and make counseling/therapy a resource for everyone.
©AndreaParsons

Siri and I have come to an understanding

After numerous sessions, books, websites, conversations with friend. And a few "Words with friends" games. I have decided that screaming and repeating obscenities at Siri is not a good answer. I figured if I developed a working, loving and accepting relationship, things would be less stressful between us.
So I've begun to accept whatever she comes up with and send the text or email exactly what she hears. No one knows what I am texting to them but Siri and I have a much better time together.
©AndreaParsons

My Relationship with Siri

Siri and I are having a difficult time with our relationship. I was so excited the first time we spoke. And though I don't remember the actual conversation, I feel like things started on a good note. But lately we just don't seem like we are on the same wave length. I get so angry with her. When I say something over and over again, she misunderstands, and then does something completely whacked. I feel my inner peace being disrupted and my sense of frustration growing.

I thought maybe we needed to get to know each other and when I told her I was a therapist she said "hello." Ok, I though we were getting somewhere. But when I asked her some personal questions, she said she didn't like to talk about herself. One step forward, two steps back.

A friend suggested that I go to some self-help websites. There are lots of people struggling with their relationships. But, there are lots who have good ones. I feel like a real failure. I don't know how to talk right, I guess.

At one site it said Siri doesn't have self awareness! And I'm worried that I made a huge mistake. I set up and appointment with a relationship therapist. I hope it helps. So far I learned my expectations are too high. And Siri is offended when I use bad language. What the F%&^$##!

Doesn't she have to accept me for who I am? Do I have to make all the changes? I don't think so! But she's not going to change. No matter, I am going to try my hardest to make things work between us. I can only work on myself but I don't know how much more I can take.
©AndreaParsons

More on ENOUGH......MY RESPONSE TO SCOTT

WOW,Where have you been hiding?

First, if any of those school girls saw you hit a tennis ball, they would have been looking up with a smile every time! Cause you ARE Johnny Cool!

And on a serious note......

I was hoping a guy would write about their experience on the other side. How amazing to think we are all insecure and we all worry about rejection; not being good enough, smart enough, hunky enough, cute enough, nice enough, wearing the right clothes enough.....

But you are also right about the part "nature" plays in our choices. The many studies indicate how significant our genetic wiring is in our picking out our mate. Not only are there facial feature factors there are smells that we are unknowingly attracted to.

Cheech and Chong do a comedy bit that goes way back to when RD was young, they are smelling each others butts like dogs.

Perhaps our cave people ancestors smelled each other prior to mating. We also know that we are hard wired to have several reproductive mates which is one of the reasons that most long term relationships end up going through rough spots. (feel free to read over my other blogs to get that info) During this time we question our love. I honestly haven't met anyone in a long term committed relationship - > 10 years, that can say they feel the same kind of crazy passion that they felt when they first got together.

Most of them have tales of great times followed by difficult times, often problems that made them separate or contemplate divorce. But when I talk to them they say deciding to stick it out was followed by hard work, improved communication and humor, comfort and deeper appreciation for their partner. I am sure humor is one of your tools! And of course your ability to dig deeper and develop insight using your superior intelligence.

So for those of you reading this, wondering what you can possibly get if you stay in your relationship and work through the rough spots, listen to my old (I hope future) tennis partner. (who by the way made me rich playing with him) You get COMFORT with familiarity. Which is what Elva said too. ENOUGH SPARK when you aren't too tired to create it. RESPECT and dedication and trust in the LOYALTY of your partner to stick it out through thick and thin to MAKE IT WORK. And who has the time and ENERGY to sign up on Match.com or worse go to the local bar stool, and keep up with the oodles of admirers wanting to get together. And after all that work not meeting anyone who you want to have to get to know. And if you do you'll most likely end up in the same spot again, at some point deciding to work it through. I'm just sayin.......

You two are lucky and so are your kids!

AND BY THE WAY WHAT IS WITH /&*$#)@ ?

WHAT'S ENOUGH ? How do we decide when to stay and when to go.

Today a client was struggling with a decision whether to stick with a relationship of 15 years,  now living apart and only getting together once in awhile.   Even though her partner seemed aloof, uninvolved and in her mind uninterested in her,   he was satisfied with things enough.  He was not initiating intimacy, they like the intellectual discussions, they are good friends and share lots of interests.  But she wants someone who asserts his love toward her in a way that she can feel loved.  That isn't him.  And chances are it will never be.  So why has it been so difficult for her to decide to "move on?"

She started the our meeting today saying, "I'm ready to move on."  She looked sincere and sure of herself.  If she could believe that he didn't love her and that was the reason he was so uninterested, she could leave him.  But when she was reminded that he might have been  happy with the relationship the way it was , she began  to question her decision to move on.  Would it really be enough for her to stay with him just because he loved her?  How long would it take for that not to be enough?  And why was she having such a hard time making her decision based on her needs?  She needed someone to show her more interest, someone less in his own world.

Remember when we were in Jr. High ( OK for those who went to Middle School you may not have any experiences that relate to this story) and at the school dance.  The girls sat on chairs that were placed around the walls of the gym while the boys milled around on the dance floor pushing and acting too cool to dance.  Being the girl, you began to feel fearful that  no one would ask you to dance.  Embarrassed, you might start to talk with a girl friend, hoping that the cute guy with the cords would notice you looking at him.  You might look at him again, giggle , then look away hoping he would notice that you wanted to dance with him.  A few boys would begin to  walk over and ask girls to dance and you began to get more worried fearing you were not going to be the only girl sitting on the sidelines.  A guy would make his way over, not "the one" but you still hoped he came over to ask you to dance, and when he did, you were so thankful and enamored by the boy who asked you. He wasn't the one but it didn't matter who you wanted anymore, it mattered that this boy wanted to dance with you.

Is it any wonder why women often stick with the guy who asks  her, we learned early on to put our needs and desires aside.   Though many things have changed, women still wait in hope for the man to finally come around to be who they want them to be, "maybe they'll change if....." Even on Internet dating sites they may not do the shopping  but rather  wait for whomever contacts them.

So I think that my client may be hoping her guy will ask her to dance, so she keeps on the sidelines.  Maybe she feels good that someone wants her even if he isn't the right one for her.  And maybe that is enough.  Or maybe she wants a partner who can express his love in a way that she feels loved at least some of the time.  Does she keep waiting or does she say, "I've waited long enough and I have to either accept him and be at peace with that or I need to find someone who will be more expressive and loving toward me."  No wonder we struggle with our  love relationships.

Relationships are a challenge, we never get everything that we want, some things we should learn to accept and other things we shouldn't accept.  We also grow, develop our own ways to get needs met, our needs change and relationships change too.  There is no answer though we wish there were, no way of knowing what could happen, in the moment we feel this or want that.  I wish I had the answer.

How Do We Spice Up Our Sex Life?

For all of you who have asked me, here it is:

First, it is important that you do this together with your partner.  If your partner isn't interested then it may be time to start couples counseling.  I'm going to discuss things that have worked for my clients, some speed bumps that might crop up and pot holes to avoid.

Start with an honest but loving discussion about your present sexual experience.  How much "learning" did either one of you have  prior to and during  the relationship?  Many young couples and couples who may have met when young but have been together for a long time, have  limited experiences  and may be engaging in "teenage" sex;  little foreplay, go right to orgasm and roll over to sleep.  This may have been fun when you were young, but it isn't a mature sexual relationship.  You both need to do some reading, watching and talking about  your turn ons and turn offs.  This means that it is time do develop a healthy relationship with your own body, and a healthy attitude about sex.

Many people in the US and other sexually repressed countries, develop negative attitudes about sexuality, esp. self-pleasuring, being sexy, liking sex, etc....  It helps to talk about this with your partner.  What were your parents' beliefs, religious beliefs, negative and positive experiences and messages.  This can be difficult and might be better to do it with a therapist who is trained in sex therapy.  Many therapists are as uncomfortable as you are about these discussions.

As you can see, starting a general discussion about sex, can delve into a load of other conversations.  So once you have agreed to have a judgment  free, understanding, loving sexual relationship you are ready to explore a variety of activities that can enhance your sexual connection.

Sex can be a way to connect, relax, de-stress, have fun; connect with your inner sex cat/kitten.


PROCEED WITH CAUTION

This discussion requires opening up and trusting enough  to be vulnerable with your partner.  Making fun of the ideas, putting them down, laughing, sharing with friends during a party may shut down any fun you were likely to have.  Mature sex requires mature lovers, respect, kindness and compassion.

Couples who enhance their sexual connection develop their own ways to talk about sex, respecting each other's comfort level is pivotal.  Many share their  fantasies.  As an example, I have had couples start discussions about "swinging."  The discussion was stimulating enough to create sexual arousal and sexual desire. Often the discussions and the fantasies created are enough to  spice up a sexual  relationship..  Another  couples shared  their fantasy places that would be dangerous but fun to have sex in, including an aspect of getting caught and needing to be quiet.  They began to have sex in several of the places that they fantasized about.  Other couples have gone to "Adult" book stores or parties and bought sex toys to make sex more playful.  They have bought  sexually graphic CD's, books, magazines that help stimulate sexual desire and arousal.  There are many CD's out there made to teach couples how to improve their sexual relationships including discussions by sex therapists as well as real clients.  These are sexually graphic and can help couples feel freer to explore new sexual behaviors.  Some couples go together to strip clubs which can create sexual freedom, arousal  and fantasy.  Make sure the strip club is a reputable one. 

Go out together, get away from the same ole,  same ole.  Take an overnight together so you can dress up, let your hair down and help you get in touch with your inner sex god/dess.  Staying home all the time,  Watching CSI, washing dishes, doing laundry, dealing with kids, hearing the phone ring, cleaning the toilets are not typically turn on's for us and in fact they can make you so tired, cause you to feel like a parent not a lover and  sex feels foreign.  Get away, go dancing, walk in the moonlight and hold hands, live out some of your fantasies.

To sum up:
1.  Do it together
2.  Learn about your partner. Share about yourself
3.  Discuss turn ons and turn offs.  Avoid engaging with your lover's  turn offs.  Don't try and convince your partner to like a turn off.
4.  Then start to discuss fantasies.  Use fantasy as a turn on.  Develop other turn on's.  Books, movies, pictures, role play.  Go out, go out go out......... Take it as far as you are comfortable, but slightly outside your norm.
5.  Proceed slowly and with caution, and if necessary find a therapist who can help you explore this without doing damage.
6.  Do not make fun of each other, don't share these intimate experiences with drunk friends at dinner,  by no means hurt each other.

This is a quick discussion and not in itself the answer for all people.  These are ideas, some suggestions and direction.  Please get help if you are unsure, afraid, in a high conflict relationship, and/or anything other than a respectful, loving relationship.  I'd love to hear others discuss what has worked for them.  I hope you can do it anonymously and if you can't let me know how to make that happen .

Response to Elva's last post

Elva, you have clearly been married longer than the stage of marriage that I was referring to in my original blog.  So I'd love to know what ups and downs you have gone through, especially 30 (plus or minus a few years) years ago.  Do you remember when you first met?  Did you experience the "high" that a new love can create?  Many people feel a sense of euphoria, thoughts of their love constantly, a feeling of walking on clouds; this feeling is what we think must be what "love" is.   This sense of "bliss" is like a "high."

 In fact a a study conducted in the 80's  has identified that this "high" lights up the same part of the brain as amphetamines.   So there is evidence that we are hard wired to have different reproductive partners.  This is in conflict with our social norms.

This euphoric stage can last for one to three years until our chemistry shifts in another way.  What I was discussing in the earlier blog was this stage.  This is the time that we begin to wonder what happened to that feeling. This stage creates feelings of disillusionment and despair.  Couples don't feel the same euphoric sense of love and then they often pull away from each other.  The article that includes the study I mentioned also identifies the chemistry of the following stage, and our study of animals and early human cultures helps us identify why this shift is necessary in order to give us  the best chance of our offspring's survival.  I often remind people of the movie,  "The March of the Penguins."  The intensity and cooperation that penguin couples develop i order to take care of the egg in conditions that are against all odd.  They both take their turn on the egg so their mate can travel many miles to eat and then return.  At a particular stage when the baby penguin can survive more independently they go their separate ways.  

In other words we are hard wired, just like all the other animals, in a way that we need to be in order to have the best shot at  our offspring surviving.

How we interpret this change is often what causes breakups.  Many couples have sexual struggles, don't communicate well, feel rejected, and develop strong feelings of attraction for coworkers or friends.  This stage is a make it or break it stage and you obviously "made it."

I'm wondering if you're willing to share anything about that time in your marriage with us?  What did you do to build a stronger, deeper bond?   What did you do to spice things up?  Or did you just accept it?  What made you stay?  Who did you talk with?  Obviously you developed ways to feel fulfilled as an individual, did you also create ways to do it as a couple?

Feel free to completely ignore this post or tell me to mind my own business, or share whatever you want.